My best friend Dwayne and I were leaving the locker room at the New York Sports  Club (NYSC)  and yes, I am another gay man who belongs to NYSC, to use the wise words of the “Views” Joy Behar, “So what, who cares!”

Well, there was a picture of a gorgeous Calvin Klein model in of course Calvin Klein underwear. Talk about hot and sexy but Calvin Klein male models always are. This Calvin Klein advertisement was hanging on the wall of the men’s locker room. You could see it coming in and you could see it going out. It never had any real effect on me either way. I thought to myself “HOT” and then I moved on. Then upon closer inspection, and I did this inspection when I had a short window alone in the locker room. I read where they were offering a buy one, get one free coupon, which of course I quickly pocketed.  I thought nothing more about it that is until my best friend Dwayne and I decided to work out together. He said “I can’t believe that they have posted that Calvin Klein ad in here.”  My immediate response, almost like a trained dog on command was “Yeah, right can you believe that!” Then he followed up with “it’s just not an appropriate place for it!” I shook my head in agreement, we left the rocker room, walked passed the gym desk and out the doors on to the NYC streets.

It didn’t dawn on me until the very next day when I was in the gym locker room, changing my clothes. While preparing to work out  I turned and looked at the Calvin Klein ad again of the Hot Man in the underwear and this time I found myself staring at it, but not with discomfort or shame or loathing. I found that the self loathing that I had was for myself. For all those years of being told that who I am and what I am is wrong, an abomination, a sin, destined for a life of hurt and pain.  Self loathing is highly relative in gay culture and I was feeling it in spades just because there was an ad fo a sexy hot Calvin Klein model in his underwear in a mens locker room!

I suppose if it was an ad of a woman naked or half-naked that it would be appropriate, a “manly” thing, acceptable because it’s what we are taught. The contradiction about that is a mess as well because when boys are young we are shamed for looking at nudie pictures. But when we are “Men” hey, it’s okay because boys will be boys. Whew- talk about confusing us.

While I sat literally staring at the ad not getting lost in my embarrassment because no one noticed and if they did they acted like they could care less and there were at least ten guys in the locker room.  My own self loathing placed on me by society, I thought that I was over that, had shaken it off, had accepted and owned who I am – a proud, strong, caring, loving, out, gay man but at that moment I was still ashamed of that ad.

For all the strided that I had made in my life that Calvin Klein ad in the mens locker room at my gym had struck me down. I had to find a way to get back up to get beyond this self loathing put upon me and my kind and so I did.  Every day that I go in to my gym I make a point of looking at the ad. I have also pointed it out to a few guys there who I know are gay to get their reactions. My hope is that it will be a positive reaction and thank God some times it is, but if it isn’t, I kind of remind them of this gay self loathing put upon our culture  and the need to strive and push past it. It opens up an amazing dialogue that had even  one of the straight guys in the locker room come into the conversation and say in his best  straight-eze “Man I didn’t mean to jump in your conversation but I think it’s cool that Calvin Klein ads up there, it don’t bother me and I’m straight!”  He just had to point out that he was straight, a thing we already knew but it was nice to have his input.

It didn’t make any difference to him so why should it matter to me? Wow thanks to him, Dwayne and the other gay men who I imposed my thoughts on, it doesn’t matter to me either. So I have stepped out once again of the proverbial closet or in this case the men’s locker room.

James Pearson