This year has already begun and yet I feel like I am at a stand still. With so much to look forward to in 2011 I find that perhaps I am a bit overwhelmed. What to do? What to do? Is the question. It seems I am always doing something but because it’s a New Year it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Ideas of grandeur, extravaganzas, pomp and circumstance, a 21 gun salute – better make that 22. It is after all a New Year.

 Every thing falls into question for me in the New Year. Did I turn this corner correctly? Should I be taking all these vitamins or should I increase my green leafy vegetable in-take? Am I doing enough exercise? Am I running enough to qualify for the marathon this year? I am going to run the marathon this year right?

 Even the simple things in the New Year seem daunting. I don’t want to wear solid colors this year. I am thinking of switching it up a bit perhaps plaid would work? Ugh that is so 1960’s or was it 1970’s – no matter it is certainly not 2011 and that’s what I am reaching for the newness, new beginnings and brand new starts. Buy more dress shoes and get away from sneakers? Then what about running and the gym? Is casual dress still working for me or should I try to force myself into dressing up in a suit more often? Why for what reason? Who am I trying to impress? Try leaving my bed un-made when I get up in the morning, let the laundry sit for more than a week, leave dirty dishes in the sink for a few days. Yeah right just the thought of doing those things makes me want to vomit and then clean that up immediately too. I am a clean freak. Changing me in the New Year – Fascinating yes? Chasing dreams to find the real me in 2011.

 So then I start to question this New Years resolution idea. I resolve to become something that I am not because the New Year begs it to be so. I think not! I will however try to be the best that I can be. I will try to find a new road without trying to force someone else off of it. I will love and continue to be loved without asking for something in return. I will look both ways as I help someone cross the street. I will be just as defiant in life and it’s causes and how it will benefit the world and I will sleep a little bit sounder at night in this 2011 knowing that things can go wrong, life can repeat itself and whisper reminders stay in our dreams but the next 12 months march on with no regrets but with so much more to be thankful for and at the end of it I can say I told you so in 2011.

James Pearson

 A very good friend of mine just came out to his mother. He’s 32 years old. It actually turned out better than he thought it would – she already knew. I find that most mothers know!  He really went through it these past couple of days prior to telling her that he was born gay. That’s right I said it “Born Gay’!”

 I was born this way! There’s no denying it. When I came out of my mother’s womb, I was gay. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. Women have babies and some of  them are born gay and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Not our parents, not doctors, not ministers and not even presidents. I was just born this way and there is nothing wrong with me.

 It still blows my mind that in 2010 the 21st century, that some people and I won’t name them, because if I did this blog would fill up all of cyber-space. Gay people are not sick, confused, immoral, damaged goods, an abomination, a curse, cursed, doomed to hell or one of my favorites, deserve what they get : AIDS, beaten up, gay bashed – that’s a phrase that those “people-groups” love.

 We were born gay different in the sense that we love people of the same-sex. There are a lot of us born this way. So in a sense we were created-born for each other. Wow, that’s something to think about! And there are a lot of us being born this way every day, all over the world. We are lawyers, doctors, teachers, artist, decorators, professional athletes, actors writers, politicians, policemen and women, firemen and women, mothers, fathers and dare I even say it, even animals!  My point once again, is that we are born this way. We were born into this world just like everyone else but we are gay.  I am gay and I am very happy with who I am because I was born this way and those who come after me will be happy because they will know after today that they were born this way too.

James Pearson

This was not my original blog, but in light of the continued hatred, ignorance, stupidity, prejudice, barbarism, homophobia, you get it. I could go on for days with words like this describing the current state of affairs of life in this world that we are born into.

We are born, we go to school, we make friends and then some of us realize that we are attracted to those friends. The concern is that we like that friend of the same-sex A Lot. We learn that we are different and instead of being able to celebrate that difference, we are told that we are wrong! Everything we hear, read and see, tells us – demands that we conform to society’s wishes, get in line, be like every other so-called normal person. What is normal? Who say’s what normal is in this country of America, land of the free and home of the brave?

My God, how many times can we say it? We are Gay. We are here to stay. We have been on earth since the beginning of time. We are born this way. We are not going to change for you or anyone else. We cannot hide who we are. We refuse to hide who we are. We will stand up and be counted and we will outnumber you. We are rich, poor, and middle class. We are Black, White, Americans, Spanish, German, French, Jewish, Italian, Swedish, Polish, Russian, English, Japanese, Chinese, Asian, Greek, Iranian, Hungarian, and Indian.

We are teachers, doctors, nurses, lawyers, judges, senators, mayors, governors, lobbyist, actors, singers, dancers, directors,producers, journalist, talk show host, radio personalities, accountants, model’s, writers, artist, gambler’s basketball player’s, football player’s, tennis players, golfers, ice-skaters, skiers, boxers, Olympians, builders, architects, military men and women, veterans, patriots, scholars, scientist, firemen and women, policemen and women, ministers, priest, bishops, mother’s father’s, brother’s and sisters. Just because you refuse to see us or accept us, it will not make us go away. 

We continue to rise, to be proud to stand strong. We remain a constant reminder that we were born into this world just like you. We were not dropped from the sky, not sprung up from the ground like the dirt that you want to think we are. We will no longer think alone, we will think as one. United in knowing that when it comes right down to it, we can control the purse string’s of this world too. We have been said to have disposable income, just think what we could do with that income if we ban together and put that money towards a political candidate of our chosing,  who will represent us as a people.  Like such groups as NAACP, NOW, The Tea Party, Religious groups, just to name a few – Maybe we should form our own party. Lord knows we throw the best parties around! 

We have friends and family who know us, love us and understand us. We have friends  in entertainment, politics, and the media: Oprah, Kathy Griffin, Lady Gaga, Cher, Ellen, Rosie O’Donnell, Madonna, Sarah Jessica Parker, Neil Patrick Harris, Alan Cumming, Diana Ross, Patti LaBelle, T.R. Knight, Rupaul, Lance Bass, Melissa Ethridge, Liza Minelli, Sam Champion, Whoopi Goldberg, Joan Rivers, Barbra Streisand, Jim McGreevey, Rupert Everett, Cyndi Lauper.We support you, we continue to support you. We need you and other’s like you to stand up and be counted for us and about us. We are calling you out. It’s time for you to show your true colors, time to let them show.  

We will no longer stand for what you tell us who we are because now you know. We have always known. We are only different in who we love, not how we love.

James Pearson

 Oh my God, it is still summer right? I will answer my own question. Yes it is and with a vengeance! I live for the summer and summer in New York is like a continuous ice-cream treat. I’ve been doing a great deal this summer.  A lot of change and with change comes new thoughts, ideas, plans, ifs, whys and when.

 I feel like I have been every where this summer and I still have other destinations and places to be.  Thank God there’s still a lot of summer left. Yes I said it, a Lot More Summer Left! I will scream it from the top of the Empire State Building. I will shout it from downtown Wall Street. I will sky write it over Central Park. That rant was for those people who like to claim that Labor Day ends the summer. Some of you even call it the un-official end of summer –   like that  makes it easier to deal with. I got news for those people,  summer does not end until the fat lady sings and that fat lady doing the singing is called the change of season. Funny, I thought that every body knew that.

 I know that the change of seasons are taught in school, elementary school I believe. At least that’s where I learned about it. The calendar reads the end of summer is on September 21. Now if we are lucky we get what’s called Indian Summer, which is a period of sunny, warm weather in Autumn typically in October and early November when all the leaves on the trees have turned and oh how beautiful that is.

 Now I know it sounds like I am pushing here and trying to stretch out the summer for as long as possible, but why not, lord knows that the winter goes on forever no matter what the calendar says. Now I have nothing against the winter, but the summer is the life for me. So for those of you who are  thinking of packing it in for the quote “Un-official end of summer – knock it off . There are still those of us who are still trying to enjoy it . Don’t snow on my summer.

 James Pearson

 

In this time of Pride (Gay) Pride when all is said and done, let this ring true for all men, women, young and old – we know you!

The writer’s, Poets, and Playwrights be seen, be on the scene like Walt Whitman and Tennessee Williams before you. Andy Warhol painted us a picture for the 20th century and beyond to always be proud. I am sure that he still looking over us from above.

It’s a long road but we still and always will have a voice. Elton John sings for us and he stands bravely with his choice and like Ellen DeGeneres not to be gay, because who we are is not who we are, not what we are but to step out of the shadows of bigotry and stupidity of human-kind.

So stands Billie Jean King who to me is my Queen or is she the King? Does it matter?  Let Freedom Ring.

James Pearson

The moments that I spend with myself are very special even precious. It gives me time to just be quiet. Most people who know me think that it allows me to hear my own thoughts but that is not so true – sometimes I don’t like my own thoughts which is why I spend time with me. I don’t have to listen to me.  I can however be free to simply shut out all thoughts and when I come back from the me time, it allows me to hear the world, my friends, my neighbor, the person behind the deli counter and even the train conductor. What I am saying is that it allows me to listen.

I learn a lot from listening and most of the time I don’t have to respond. You get my full attention and that makes not only me feel good but the person who is trying to get their message across knows he’s been heard.

Recently I was finding that I was not getting enough me time. That’s because I have this wonderful, very special and loving person in my life and in spending time with him, I’ve been looking for that balance. I think that I have achieved that balance because I’m writing my blog right now and sharing it with you – my reader’s.

I spent this Memorial week-end in New Hope PA with my partner.  It is such a calming, beautiful, artsy and awe-inspiring place with a wonderful mix of gay and gay friendly folk. I live for gay friendly folk (more on that in my next blog). It was in New Hope that I found that I could balance the love and attention that I must give my partner like he gives me and I could have some me time as well while with him. It’s because I rallied for it. I told him that there are times that I just become quiet, that I need to be quiet with just me even when I am with him and guess what he heard me!  Imagine that your partner hearing you and complying with your request.  Perhaps he was able to hear me because I was able to listen to him from hours and days of spending time with me and learning about myself and who I am and knowing that I must have me time.

  Now how do I do me time? Well for me, me time can be a hot bath with lots of bath oils and bath salts. I lay out  fragrant candles on the floor and choose some  music and I just let the bubbles take me away. That is my most favorite me time. Now there are others of course. In my living room sitting in my rocking chair in complete silence. Sitting under a tree in Central Park.  Taking a walk at night and choosing to only see the moon and the stars above. Doing all these things gives me a chance to breathe, just breathe. It’s my total escape, me time it’s my pause for a moment of silence.

James Pearson

Back in the day a gay man found his date/mate at a club, bar, truck stops, (Don’t act like you don’t know) the park – late at night (again, don’t act like you don’t know!) and porno theaters.  Those were the days or were they?

I say no because it kept us in the closet scared, afraid and lurking in the shadows.  Now today we are in the light, full force and out in the open even more so with the internet and on-line dating. I find myself  wanting to talk about this because I saw a guy at the gym, hair coiffed and pulled back so tight that he must have had the same hair gel that DJ Pauly D from that reality television show The Jersey Shore uses. He was wearing a  tight-fitting t-shirt and matching  fashionable sweatpants definitely accentuating his butt. Hey I’m sorry but you just couldn’t help but look at it!  He would get on the treadmill and he would start to run, his hair wouldn’t move and he wouldn’t allow himself to break a sweat meanwhile I was sweating like a dog. I was so bothered by this man coming to the gym all powdered, perfumed, coiffed and in full fashion fitness wear. Who does he think he is? This is a gym. I would say to myself. He is obviously here to be picked up or  to find a man. It was annoying me. Each and every time I would see this man at the gym, I would shake my head and laugh at him and make fun and nudge my good friend Dwayne who also thought it was a bit over the top. Then one day I had an epiphany. 

What’s so wrong with this guy coming to the gym and looking his best? Is it so horrible that he might meet and connect with possibly the love of his life  at the gym? Why was I  being so judgemental?  He’s just dating/meeting out loud and proud. The way it should be. What once was not available to us to find a date – church, supermarkets, laundromats, work, weddings, conferences and conventions and yes as I have learned the gym are now avaliable to us and the best thing about it is we don’t have to hide it anymore. And as you know and I am sure that heterosexuals know, whether they are willing to admit it or not, you never know where one of us might turn up because we are everywhere.  While bars and nightclubs are still the obvious choices they are fast becoming not the norm to meet a quality mate. Today lightning can strike any where for us even in a  gym and that makes me feel good and empowered as a gay man. So I would like to thank  Mr. cute, coiffed and fashion conscious gym boy for bringing me more into the light of gay!

James Pearson

Have you ever been so in love that when you touch it – love that is, your heart burns with such fiery passion and desire that you could and would sacrifice your life over and over again for that feeling?

When this kind of love touches you, your thought processing ceases, feelings and emotions high-light your body like no drug known to man and will never be known. It seeps through every part of you this new found love-sensitivity to light, sound and darkness increases-breathing becomes an effort to enjoy.

This love you’ve never known catches you by surprise and yet you expected it.

Two hearts both magical and inspired, paths meant to cross-destiny defined, hoped and cherished. Is this not the love that was prayed for, wished upon a star, seen in a dream, the coin tossed into the wishing well, mutual hearts, violins playing, doves taking flight?

Have you ever been this in love? Will you- will it- will all, tears begin here. Insert heart now. The  love to last  forever, it will be.

James Pearson

My best friend Dwayne and I were leaving the locker room at the New York Sports  Club (NYSC)  and yes, I am another gay man who belongs to NYSC, to use the wise words of the “Views” Joy Behar, “So what, who cares!”

Well, there was a picture of a gorgeous Calvin Klein model in of course Calvin Klein underwear. Talk about hot and sexy but Calvin Klein male models always are. This Calvin Klein advertisement was hanging on the wall of the men’s locker room. You could see it coming in and you could see it going out. It never had any real effect on me either way. I thought to myself “HOT” and then I moved on. Then upon closer inspection, and I did this inspection when I had a short window alone in the locker room. I read where they were offering a buy one, get one free coupon, which of course I quickly pocketed.  I thought nothing more about it that is until my best friend Dwayne and I decided to work out together. He said “I can’t believe that they have posted that Calvin Klein ad in here.”  My immediate response, almost like a trained dog on command was “Yeah, right can you believe that!” Then he followed up with “it’s just not an appropriate place for it!” I shook my head in agreement, we left the rocker room, walked passed the gym desk and out the doors on to the NYC streets.

It didn’t dawn on me until the very next day when I was in the gym locker room, changing my clothes. While preparing to work out  I turned and looked at the Calvin Klein ad again of the Hot Man in the underwear and this time I found myself staring at it, but not with discomfort or shame or loathing. I found that the self loathing that I had was for myself. For all those years of being told that who I am and what I am is wrong, an abomination, a sin, destined for a life of hurt and pain.  Self loathing is highly relative in gay culture and I was feeling it in spades just because there was an ad fo a sexy hot Calvin Klein model in his underwear in a mens locker room!

I suppose if it was an ad of a woman naked or half-naked that it would be appropriate, a “manly” thing, acceptable because it’s what we are taught. The contradiction about that is a mess as well because when boys are young we are shamed for looking at nudie pictures. But when we are “Men” hey, it’s okay because boys will be boys. Whew- talk about confusing us.

While I sat literally staring at the ad not getting lost in my embarrassment because no one noticed and if they did they acted like they could care less and there were at least ten guys in the locker room.  My own self loathing placed on me by society, I thought that I was over that, had shaken it off, had accepted and owned who I am – a proud, strong, caring, loving, out, gay man but at that moment I was still ashamed of that ad.

For all the strided that I had made in my life that Calvin Klein ad in the mens locker room at my gym had struck me down. I had to find a way to get back up to get beyond this self loathing put upon me and my kind and so I did.  Every day that I go in to my gym I make a point of looking at the ad. I have also pointed it out to a few guys there who I know are gay to get their reactions. My hope is that it will be a positive reaction and thank God some times it is, but if it isn’t, I kind of remind them of this gay self loathing put upon our culture  and the need to strive and push past it. It opens up an amazing dialogue that had even  one of the straight guys in the locker room come into the conversation and say in his best  straight-eze “Man I didn’t mean to jump in your conversation but I think it’s cool that Calvin Klein ads up there, it don’t bother me and I’m straight!”  He just had to point out that he was straight, a thing we already knew but it was nice to have his input.

It didn’t make any difference to him so why should it matter to me? Wow thanks to him, Dwayne and the other gay men who I imposed my thoughts on, it doesn’t matter to me either. So I have stepped out once again of the proverbial closet or in this case the men’s locker room.

James Pearson

I just got off the phone with my very close and dear friend John and when he answered the phone he said “Merry Christmas” and I had to stop and think of the proper response to give to my very close and dear friend. When did this happen, wondering what to say during the holidays? I know that  for Thanksgiving, I say “Happy Thanksgiving” for Easter I say “Happy Easter”  for Valentines Day I say “Happy Valentines Day and to my Jewish friend I am well versed to say “Happy Chanukkah.” I am also aware of the fact that there are a number of ways to spell it too such as Happy Hanukkah just to clear that up before I am swamped with emails telling me what i all ready know. So why is it during this season I hesitate to say Merry Christmas to people and friends that I know very well and who say it to me?

Pehaps it’s because television, news-papers, magazines and of course the internet has bought us together in such a massive way that we have become so cautious as not to assume that just because it’s December, that  everyone celebrates Christmas. What I think that we celebrate the most in this month of December is the joy of spirit, of kindness, of song and yes even the joy of giving whether it be a physical present or giving of your time to someone in need during this season.

I know that tomorrow is December 25 and that equals Christmas Day for me and so many others so I will be more knowledgable to the fact that I will say Merry Christmas without hesitation and without thought because December 25 is Christmas Day without fail for me and so  many others like me who celebrate Christmas. Now of course the day after that I am going to go back to “Happy Holiday” because it’s just proper in this great big melting pot that we all live in , don’t won’t to be improper and I don’t ever want to assume. We’ve all heard that old proverb about assuming, “You make an ass of “u” and me! And in this season of comfort and joy and peace on earth and good will toward human being! Yes I refuse to say just towards man, for Christ sakes it’s the 21st century that would be archaic and I have way to many women friends to get stuck out there saying  to men only!

How ever you celebrate this season, please do and enjoy your family, friends and that special loved one in  your life. I wish you and yours a very special and happy holiday and for tomorrow December 25, Merry Christmas to all.

James Pearson