I am LGBTQ

I will always be a whisper in the wind
A passing shadow
A time that you will never forget
Space between two walls
A memory that you will never chase but will follow you
until the end of time

I am like a light that seeps through the floors and cracks the wood to be seen
I am a yet a whisper of a loud voice
The echoes that you remember that will seek you out

I am exposed and imposed

I am savagely picked apart through time

I sleep with your brothers your sister’s your wives your husbands
kept in secret for fear to be revealed

I am ostracized criticized an abomination
A fag, queer, sissy, lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual
poof, poofter, drag queen – I am out of breath

I am meant to understand your way, your meanings your religion
yet
I am not your You

I shine
I am strength reclaimed and unclaimed by disease
I am kept alive, and death returns my favor to be remembered by peers

I am the struggle

I am measured as a hero

I fly below ground, but above ground, I have risen

I will STAY

I am the colors of the rainbow weathered by every storm
I return born of who I am
I can be nothing less than you may wish

I am married, divorced, separated, single.

I cross lines for I cannot be established as sectional
I am solitaire and camp

I am numbers growing, continuing to spread
count on me to be unstoppable in your
present past and future

I am Fifty and Beyond, Surpassed and off into the Distance

I am LGBTQ
And I AM

James Pearson 6.19.19

Magnificent me Magnificent you

Magnificent me
Magnificent you

Forever spellbound with the ever-changing tides of doubt and unconsciousness.

Behavior set forth post DNA pre-insanity of life’s treacherous mundane sense of it all.

Forgetting and forgotten time lost spent calculating dominant over dominance.

Freedoms set forth by human hands the same as any other yet diversification leads to obstinate studied of the world around us which changes with or without the hands so gratified by simplicity given to children running wild on this vast mission called life.

Smiling at rudimentary rules and comments while
discussing protagonist ideas and ideals short of stoning the face of Mount Rushmore.

We can only see what is left after we have dissolved into

Magnificent me
Magnificent you

James Pearson 3.5.19

1HR9

This was the time that I spent running on the treadmill two days ago.  I can be a little neurotic, crazy, insane, ADD these were a few diagnoses that my best friend John would say to me when I would run on the treadmill. He called me these things because I would try to explain to him how my brain works when running on the treadmill. John would always seem to call me at the point of my run when my mind was being twisted about my stopping point thus causing me to take my run-on the treadmill to the cooling down period.

“James, how many miles have you run?” He would ask. What I would respond with was 10, 11 or 12. “Bitch you’re crazy, I would have stopped at 1 mile, and you are trying to figure out when is a good time to stop. You need help.” You see I would insist on stopping only if the timer on the treadmill showed an even number, that was with time spent and numbers of miles ran. Now those number would never really line up evenly per se, but I would finally come to a finish at-the-end of a good song sometimes. Yes, the music that I was listening to on my phone factored into this madness of completing my run as well. It was all a bit looney I can agree with John but I also felt that it was a part of my runners high.

Talking to John during the cool-down period was always nice though. It gave us time to catch up on life. He would and could always make me laugh no not just laugh ROAR with laughter. We would talk about a lot and nothing at all during my forced cool down period. All along while I was still inside my head trying to find even numbers on the keyboard as to when I should stop. He would fill me in on his mom – Kathy. Talk about a boy loving his mother. He was an only child and his mother Kathy had him at 18, so they were more than just mother and son, they were friends.

I remember the first time I met his mother. It was at a gay establishment. We met for cocktails after work. “James my mom is going to meet us for cocktails at the gay bar.” I almost jumped out of my skin. “Your mother is going to do what with us?” I said. You see my mother would not meet me at a gay bar and nor would I had asked her to in those early days of my gay life. I met up with John and his mother already thinking of just how I should behave being all southern and still a bit closeted at the time. I walk into the bar, and there sat John and his mother. He introduces us and all I can remember is that she reminded me of John. She welcomed me, made me feel comfortable without really doing anything at all. We would hang out with his mom several times after that, for dinner, brunch and even Christmas dinners at her place. She was a special kind of mom which explains why she and John were so close she LOVED him and he LOVED her.

My friend John died July 2018. There is no other way to say it than that. It just simplifies it for me however it’s hardly simple. John was a beautiful shining light in my life. I know a lot of people say that so let me try and say it better after all John always told me that I was a writer and GOOD he would say. Knowing John for the past 31 years was like life being pressed up against me reminding me to live, be myself and that light should never be darkened but continuously be drenched with kerosene. That was John and how he lived. John had been living with HIV since 1990. I remember the day that he told me. I said, “John you’re too evil to die so you’ll be here a long time.” He would smile that lips pressed together smile at me and nod his head laughing.  “I don’t know “gurl” we’ll see.”  We did see at 40years old. I took him out for his Birthday. It was a Birthday lunch. “James, can you believe that I am 40? I didn’t think that I would be around this long. I have to start planning for retirement and shit.” He said laughing but being totally serious. I responded with my usual with him. “John you’re too evil to die.”

Thing is John was not evil. I said that for me. Truth is I did not want my friend to be sick I didn’t want him to be HIV-Positive any more than he did. It was my way of coping with his disease. I also hoped that it would help him too. Okay, so I am going to stop right there not because it ended there. John and our friendship lived on for another 7years. I loved this guy. I was there when he got married to the love of his life in 2013. I just unfortunately for me was not there for his death which I found out was just the way he wanted. That selfish bitch! Thankfully I knew him well enough to understand why he wanted it that way.

God, I miss him so much. I miss the phone calls and the stopping by him and his husband’s medical practice in the West Village to say hello and chat. He was a presence in that office, and you knew it. I miss his presence. I miss his eyes, his smile, and his life.

I stopped at 1HR9, and I heard John’s voice in my head – That’s where he resides now. Telling me “Gurl” stop with the ADD shit or you’ll be on that treadmill forever! I laughed at myself and did not make it an even number in honor of John. It doesn’t mean that I will stop like that all the time, but when I don’t and find myself chasing the neurosis of my runner’s mind on the treadmill, John will be there just like I need him to be.

The Gift – Chapter 6

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“Eyes that press upon this sight seeth what is not to be known, lest it expect too much. It is in the walk of the time that shall free the merge. Is this not to be so Raphael?”

“It is the question thou asketh upon the soul of thy being. Unto thee I asketh thee to bring forth light.”

“Thou asketh for light! It is the light that is created upon us all.”

“Then thou knowest the answer to the merge?”

“Thou speaketh to me my brother as a child.

David laughed in the middle of his sentence and continued.

“But Raphael thou sitteth here with me now. Tis a moment given to us by the Father. I request a….”

Raphael interrupted.

“I hear thy thoughts. It is my choice to do so and upon this thought, I grant thee these words. – Shalt the mountains be created, each one to its own time and the rivers rise unto countless waves to settle here. I beseech thee unto the Father, surround this space and time.”

“Thou calleth upon the souls of the ages spirited away,” David said with amazement.

Raphael responded: “It is given to me to do so and unto thy thought it is given but speaketh unto them with swift haste. It is the quickening that will spirit them back. Asketh unto them to seek to find.”

Then from the words that Raphael spoke formed the question to David’s thoughts.

The first soul spoke:

“Thou seekest to remove us from the quickening. It is not yet the appointed time for this.”

The other soul spoke:

Yea’ unto the Raphael and David I speaketh to thee from Dominion to everlasting. Why hast thou released us from the quickening? Thou knowest what thou doeth?”

The third soul spoke:

“Shalt these voices be quickened unto them and thee. Dear brothers, we have been summoned upon the merge. It consumes the balance. Hold thy tongues dear souls. Lest we speaketh unto Raphael and David our time will become shadows set upon them.”

Raphael began to speak.

“Dear souls bring unto us thy peace for unto thee love is given one-hundred fold. We only seeketh thy presence in this time, for thou art worlds gone by in human comprehension. Give unto us thy wisdom at this moment.”

The third soul spoke:

“It is holy. It is without form seen before yet it groweth upon the land. In essence, it is what was created child-like and given unto hands created into and unto them.”

The first soul spoke:

“But created out of nothingness, its flight shalt descend upon thee and be sought unto each and every will and found upon every heart the paths to be taken.”

The three souls speak in unison:

“Ahh yes! And unto the mountains, they will cry out unto thee. By two brought together by one and summoned unto the father all shalt be revealed unto the gift which has brought all back to the beginning.”
David and Raphael leapt to their feet and ran towards each other and embraced because their spirits were touched by the quickenings words. They began to pray and give thanks for the wisdom and even though the wisdom was spoken unto them, the answer to their query was spread throughout the commonality. And then as quickly as they had appeared the souls were spirited back to the quickening.

“The earth it moves not in unison with the quickening but turbulence.”

“Musio!” David said in surprise.

David was surprised because Musio always arrived in the shape of a mighty whirlwind and always in grand style before taking his natural form as an angel.

“What say you dear brother Musio?” Raphael asked.

“Thou hast put the angels in my charge upon much tarriance as to shield the humans below upon thy request of the quickening.”

“Ah, the quickening! To sustain them thou hast seized the storms and tides upon the earth?”

“Yes, and as the earth shaketh below it creat’eth treachery in its path.”

“Then it is upon thee and the angels in thy charge to bend as souls in the wind.”

Musio laughed and said:

“It is nothing that has to be solved unto the angels in my charge but to shield them not. It is now upon the entire earth that nature runs amok and the humans below tarry to, and fro for fear is upon them now.”

David flew close unto Raphael and answered to Musio.

“Musio thou speaketh but knoweth thou not! All is to be done upon the will of the father. Humans that tarry below are now upon the charge of all that is created from the beginning. Knoweth thou this, below are the workings of not just the quickening but the merge and what is to befall even unto us all.”

Musio responds: “And yet unto thy request the quickening was given and though we allow rivers to rise and the earth to shaketh and the winds to blow and the waters to fall as to set the balance once the quickening is open. It has now become a task untold due to the merge. How much longer can we continue to shield the humans? This season of change is not foretold.”

Raphael ran his fingers through his beautiful gold flaxen hair, more bemused not amazed by what Musio had said and then he spoke.

“Musio get thee to thy task and upon the leaves that falleth upon the earth, each one counteth it in multiples of seventy time seven billion. This is the equivalent to your question upon the humans on earth upon the balance that is upon thee and thy charge to return.”

Raphael then stood quietly and looked deeply into Musio’s eyes and Musio stared back and smiled and then in an instant Raphael disappeared as one single feather fell from his wings and as it fell Musio reached out to grab it and he held it tightly in his hand.

“He has been called back unto the Father,” David said.

“And unto the Father returneth he,” Musio responded. “And until the Will returneth I.”

As Musio was about to spin out into his grand glory and style, David was staring off into the distance and then he began to speak.

“I see the depart but as I watch thee leave it is pressed upon my thoughts and unto the tides set upon the earth to the wind that bloweth across the skies, I can only seek prayer as a finite answer to all that is about to come unto thee and those in thy charge.”

Musio stopped his mighty whirlwind of a leave and spoke.

“This is why thy stare’th off into the distance? Thy concern for me and those in my charge. It is set upon thy heart and is why thou art who thou art and in thy charge are we. But knoweth thou this, what nature had been created out of humans from generation to generation since the beginning, all that is set upon the earth created by humans, what they call weather, is quickly set upon in my charge.”

“Up for the challenge art thou my dear brother Musio? Then be on thy way but go with this prayer. Come close unto me as we did before and pray it with me.”

Musio drew near unto David and put his hand in his, and as their bodies floated, they both expanded their wings, and as their bodies clung close to each other, David began this prayer as Musio joined in.

Thou lift’eth us up and upon thy hand shall we never fall.
Unto thee Father all request are given
and to thee all is known
Fore-told upon thy beginning love was first sought
love continues until and still is
For thou art
And will ever be
And we shall ever remain in thee.

Musio lay his head upon David’s chest, and they embraced.

“Thanks, Dear brother,” Musio said.

“Thanks be to thee,” David responded.

And without another word Musio sped off in his mighty whirlwind.

—————————————————————–

Phillip sat straight up on his cold bathroom floor. “Oh my God!” He thought to himself. “What just happened to me?”

He stood up very slowly, holding his head he ran his fingers through his hair, looked at himself in the mirror, and he saw two images. He looked away from the mirror. He looked to his left, nothing there. He looked back into the mirror again, and the other image was still there.

“Jurist!” Phillip said with a look of – Please don’t answer on his face.

“Yes, Phillip.” Jurist responded.

“God! I was hoping. No, I was praying that you were a dream. Perhaps I am hallucinating.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head and looked again.

“Ah Damn!!! What is happening to me?”

“It is true. I am here with thee. It is the trust in thy heart that brings me to thine eyes.”

“Why me? Why are you coming to me? Why are you bothering me?”

“Phillip thou knowest why. We share a common goal and in it, we must succeed.”

“But who am I to you? I don’t know you. Just leave me alone. Get out of my head!”

Phillip put both hands to his ears to stop hearing what was being said to him.

“It is in the journey that we take together that all shall be revealed. Come, curb the denial of what is. Now the time is close at hand. Remove thy hands from thine head.

“No! No!!!”

Phillip turned off the light switch and ran from the bathroom and ran into his living room screaming.

“I am not listening to this! I can not and I will not accept this!”

Standing in the middle of his living room, Phillip came face to face with his reflection again because there hanging on the mantle was the beautiful gold encrusted picture mirror given to him by his mom when he moved into his apartment. And right there, standing beside him in the mirror was the image he was hoping and trying so hard not to see, Jurist.

“Why dost thou run? Thou can not hide from what is with thee. I beseech thee our time is at hand and waste it not I beg of thee.”

Phillip in his confusion and rage picked up a small glass candy dish. He threw it as hard as he could at the mirror and as it began to shatter into a million little pieces onto the floor, one long shard of glass remained and in it Phillip could still see himself and the other image that he was trying so hard to escape.

“Accept it now or all will become as sand fallen upon the shore, dry and barren in we and thee.”

Phillip just fell to his knees crying and shaking.

“You ask me to accept that you are here with me. I am a human being! You are asking me to accept something that goes beyond what I know as fact. What I have read about, fantasy, myth…If I believe this..”

Jurist interrupted him.

“Then thou openeth the door to possibilities for truth and understanding. Intelligence is forthcoming, but wisdom is everlasting.”

“Then I am to believe that you are an angel. Those angels actually exist and that what, you have come to me to what, to give me the secrets of the universe! I am privy to this information!!!”

And then Phillip burst out laughing.

“Me! Little insignificant office worker, $62,000.00 a year me! Occasional pot-smoker and alcohol drinker me!!!”

Phillip just continued to laugh hysterically and out of control until tears fell from his eyes. He got to his knees and sat on his butt, legs totally out-stretched and put his hands on his stomach and continued to laugh straight from his gut.

“Yeah, that’s right me! I am the choice to know the secrets of the universe! Yeah that’s a good one.”

“Thy laughter it is contagious. Yet, what means of escapism for thee is indeed tickling me. It is a feeling of comfort for a moment of what is into our hands.”

“I’m glad that you are enjoying it!” Phillip said sarcastically. “So go on tell me.”

“Tell thee what?”

“The secrets of the universe of course. Oh, but wait I need to get a pen and a piece of paper so that I can write it down.”

“Pen and paper are not necessary at this juncture, but all will be reported in time by thee.”

“Oh really!” Phillip said as he began looking frantically for pen and paper.

“Let’s not waste any time. Let me write it all down now.”

“Fascinating that thou speaketh of wasting time for this is what we are short on.”

“We! What do you mean we? Trust me I have nothing to do with you being here. I did not ask for you to come here. So give me the secrets of the universe and you can be on your way. And where exactly are you anyway? Why can I hear you but only see your reflection in a mirror?”

“I am in thee Phillip.”

“In me!! What do you mean that you are in me?”

“I have merged with thee.”

“Merged with me! What is that suppose to mean?

“Merged..” Jurist replied but before he could finish his sentence, Phillip interrupts.

“When an angel merges with a human in extreme emergencies and upon the call of the Fathers will…”

“What!” Phillip said. “How do I know that?”

“Thou knowest because of the merge. As I said, we share a commonality now. I am with thee Phillip inside thyself.”

“Then get the hell out of me!”

“When all is complete, then the merge will be done, and I will free us from me and thee.”

When what is complete? And why do I have a feeling that part of what you say about releasing us is easier said than done?”

“Lest we move swiftly Phillip what thou sayeth may surely come to pass. I need for thee to accept without question. Just as thou prayeth to the Father and yet have never seen but yet still believe exist, believe now in the existence of angels. I am here in thee, and I bring thee a gift and accept it not, it is not an option.”

Phillip walked back into his bathroom flipped the light switch and bravely looked into the mirror and saw his reflection, and he looked at the other reflection which was Jurist looking back at him. This time, he did not look away nor did he blink his eyes. This time, he did not flinch and then he spoke.

“I am a human being. And by all accounts, all that is happening to me could mean that I am going crazy, or perhaps I have a brain tumor. I don’t know. One thing’s for sure, if what you’re telling me or what you’re asking me to believe, it would take more than just mere belief. And yes I do pray or rather I have prayed. I don’t recall the last time I did, but that’s something I did a lot of as a child. I did it in a church. I did it in school until they stopped it but I just pray! It’s kind of in me I guess. Whether I think that someone is listening or not well..”

He couldn’t finish that thought.

“But what you’re asking me to do now requires faith, and I’ve never known that.”

“Which to thee my dear Phillip is to believe and to trust. It is what I ask of thee and the gift must be understood.”

“The gift! Do you have a gift for me?”

“The gift it must be delivered. I bring it to you so that you may understand.”

“But why me?”

“Phillip why not thee!”

Phillip said nothing he just remained still staring into the mirror, staring passed the glass. The thoughts in his head were all jumbled up. He felt that most of his thoughts were not his. His senses seemed heightened as he looked beyond his image and the image of Jurist. He felt as though he could see the world for the first time as it was meant to be seen, And then his mind seemed to turn back to his own thoughts, his own will and then he began to speak.

“If I am to accept all that you are telling me to believe, to trust, to be open, then what will become of me?”

“You will be.” – Jurist whispered.

“That’s it?” – Phillip asked.

“I will be! I will be what?’

“It is unto you to be. For in you, there shall be. For in me you will become.”

Phillip shook his head and laughed.

“ I don’t know exactly what that is supposed to mean, but I will trust that you know.” He said. Then he sighed heavily.

“Okay then let’s get this show or whatever it is on the road.”

“Then thine eyes are open Phillip. It is this trust that I must tell thee that that time is short upon us now to deliver “The Gift” is at hand. So lift’eth up your voice shall we must, before the next nightfall cometh.”

“Sure whatever you say.”

Phillip said as he turned away from the mirror and walked into the living room. He walked over to his sofa and sat down on the arm of the couch and shook his head and thought to himself this is un-real. He even pinched himself in hopes that he was dreaming.

“Thou art human Phillip so protect thy thoughts well for what is thine is no longer binding with thee. Tis not a dream. Please no longer pick thyself all is at hand and upon thee and me.”

“I know, I know! I just thought that I would take a chance, and you mean to tell me that I can’t even think to myself anymore. Damn you are not making this easy. What do we have to do to with this gift thing that you keep talking about? I want you out of me the sooner, the better.

“What is in thine heart, Phillip? Now request’eth with thy soul to follow thy path to free the gift.”

Phillip laughed. Jurist, you say things like I am supposed to understand you like I am supposed to go run out and save the world or something. I need you to go slow with me here. I’ve never been good at saving the world. That is what we’re trying to do here right?

“Upon the gift all shall be protected upon thee, and all that come within thy path.”

“How do we begin?

“We hath already begun Phillip. Whatever thou doeth next it must be done with swift haste for every season there is something left unfound and every moment there is an hour left behind.”

Phillip got up off the arm of the sofa and walked over to the hall closet opened it up, reached inside and pulled out his camera. He wasn’t exactly sure why he did. It was more of an impulse than anything. He reached back in and pulled out his blue jean jacket put it on and then he slipped his camera inside his coat pocket.

“I can hear you inside my head, practically throughout my entire body. I’m not sure that’s possible, but seems that I’m finding out that anything is possible, but do I have to continue talking back to you out loud? I mean I am going to be on the streets of New York, and while it’s not an oddity to see someone in New York having a conversation with themselves, I ‘m sorry that just doesn’t work for me. It would be just my luck that I would get picked up and hauled off to the insane ward at Bellevue Hospital.”

“In the whisper of the wind is where the soul dwelleth. In it, all truth can be sought all questions answered. Thou share’th all with me now, and we shall inherit forever.”

Phillip smiled and still speaking out loud said. “I’ll take that as a yes!”

“Tis a yes Phillip. So we travel as messengers in spirit with the gift. Its tidings shall be Herald and in it, will show you who you are.

Phillip felt a sudden pang of anxiety and dread like he had never felt before right in the pit of his stomach. It was so strong that it pushed him out the door. He glanced at his watch and knowing that he had less than four minutes to catch the bus to New York he felt himself not just sprinting to grab the bus but moving like a gazelle. It felt like he didn’t have any legs. It felt as though he was flying through the air and before he knew it he was at the bus stop watching it come down the street to its stop. As he boarded the bus into the city, he reached into his pocket and called his best friend Sheri and left her a message detailing the time that the bus would arrive in the city at “The Port Authority” and for her to meet him there straight away.

The Perfect Imperfection of God

The longer I live on planet earth I wonder why we as a human race continue to exist? Life being so precious as we like to say, and yet we as humans take a life every second every minute of every day. Why the creator has not completely wiped us off the face of the earth, I’ll never know.

According to the Bible, God has tried it a few times but not completely and maybe that’s the problem. God even in his infinite wisdom by saving a few humans who appeared or who God considered upright and just, still gave birth to humans who still came out able to hurt and kill without even a thought of how killing another human is vile, repulsive, inconceivable, unconscionable and just wrong. Why would a human kill another human? How does the idea enter into the brain just as easy as it is to breathe?

Has God has left us? I ask this because I ask it. How else can we explain our existence other than to say that maybe God has left us to exist on our own? It’s not a question of God caring. I wonder God just decided “my mistake, I’ll let it be.” Has God moved forward, beyond what we can know or imagine, to create again?

The Creator moved on to improve on his creation, to make another image? It’s worth the ponderance. I do know this; we are a sad race of humans. Always afraid, fearful, not accepting, suspicious, judgemental, at first before we let our guard down. It takes centuries before we can look at another human and speak simple fundamental truths; two legs, two arms, two eyes, a nose, mouth, fingers, toes say you are a human just like me. The color of skin and hair may be different, the sexual organs may be different, but all these make us all basic human. The only thing that makes us different is our individual thought, to think, to reason but in that thought there must be basic and simple reasoning understanding. The understanding that no matter the thought, this is another human, notice I didn’t use the word the same.

We are not the same because if we were the same, oh my what a boring world it would be. My wish is that humans would stop being afraid all the time. We are not born afraid we are taught to be scared. Animals are born with instinctual qualities one might say abilities. They have these abilities because they are born in the wild, they need them to survive. We humans are not born in the wild nor are we raised in the wild. How very sad for us to continue to live this way since breath was given to us.
I’m not saying we are to be perfect, far from it but if we could just see another human as just that. Maybe a view of perfection would create a new and better world to live in and oh what a day, what a world that would be. Hello human, Hi human, welcome human, just human.

James Pearson